by Brian McGackin
Book the Third, and many people's favorite HP. Since the series plot is thickening, some chapters are going to start getting two haikus. Upgrade!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Chapter 1: Owl Post
A little boring:
Rowling recaps Harry's life,
he gets birthday gifts.
Ron's dad wins lotto;
owl cripple brings some letters;
Harry does homework.
Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake
Harry blows up his
cousin's fat aunt all Violet
Beauregard-style. Harsh!
Chapter 3: The Knight Bus
A Miss Frizzle-less
magic bus takes Harry to
The Leaky Cauldron.
Chapter 4: The Leaky Cauldron
Harry lives in a
pub now? Oh, and a psycho
killer wants him dead.
Chapter 5: The Dementor
Harry's happiness
is snacked on by some creepy
reject Scream villain.
Chapter 6: Talons and Tea Leaves
Malfoy almost killed
by magic horsebird thingy
in Hagrid's first class.
Chapter 7: The Boggart in the Wardrobe
There's nothing to fear
but that thing in the staff room
wardrobe—a boggart.
New prof. Lupin is
kinda cool and lets Neville
be the star for once.
Chapter 8: Flight of the Fat Lady
Mass murderer moves
to defacing sentient
works of art. The nerve!
Chapter 9: Grim Defeat
Dog and Dementors
interrupt sporting event;
Harry breaks his broom.
Chapter 10: The Marauder's Map
Twin gingers donate
absurdly powerful map
of school to Harry.
OH$#!&THEPSYCHO
KILLERMASSMURDERERIS
HARRY'SGODFATHER!?!?!?!
Chapter 11: The Firebolt
Hermy tattles, so
Harry's new broom—probs jinxed by
killer Black—taken.
Chapter 12: The Patronus
Professor Lupin
teaches Harry how to shoot
white stuff from his wand...
Ron's rat gets eaten;
Harry gets his broom back, eats
lots of chocolate.
Chapter 13: Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw
Gryffindor wins! And
Sirius Black tries to slice
up Ron with a knife!
Chapter 14: Snape's Grudge
Harry just avoids
expulsion but magical
map confiscated.
Prof. Snape professes
multigenerational
hatred of Potters.
Chapter 15: The Quidditch Final
Hermy quits Psychic
Class, but who cares? GRYFFINDOR
WINS THE QUIDDITCH CUP!!!!!
Chapter 16: Professor Trelawney's Prediction
Even a stopped clock
is right twice a day, and Prof.
Trelawney's broken.
Psychic Prof. predicts
Voldy's return; third-years take
exams; and horsebird...
Chapter 17: Cat, Rat and Dog
Harry and co chase
black dog Black to Shrieking Shack
for well-earned answers.
Eeeewwww! Ron's rat has been
a middle-aged wizard this
entire time? Creeper!
Chapter 18: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Lupin's a werewolf.
Harry's dad and co magic'd
into animals.
Much exposition,
backstory, followed by a
Prof. Snape intrusion.
Chapter 19: The Servant of Lord Voldemort
So Sirius Black
is innocent! Pettigrew—
Ron's rat—was the spy.
More exposition.
Harry finally believes
godfather Black.
Chapter 20: The Dementor's Kiss
Lupin goes werewolf.
Dementors try to make out
with Harry and Black.
Chapter 21: Hermione's Secret
Seriously, Rowling?
Magic I can believe, but
time travel? Get real.
Hermy's necklace is
a time machine. She, Harry
save Black and horsebird.
Chapter 22: Owl Post Again
Lupin resigns; Ron
gets new pet; Hermy gives up
time travel; Summer!
Harry gains pen pal
in convicted murderer
outlaw godfather.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor…
Make sure to check back next week when we bring you part 1 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, my personal favorite! Until then, keep reading, Genoshans!
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