by Brian McGackin
Harry is seriously so annoying in this book.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 20: Hagrid's Tale
What I Did On My
Summer Vacation, Hagrid
Edition: Giants
Chapter 21: The Eye of the Snake
Prof. Umbridge audits
Hagrid's class. Harry kisses
Cho and bites Ron's dad.
Chapter 22: St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries
Weasleys and Harry
head to hospital, visit
snake-bitten Arthur.
Harry overhears
adult conversation: he's
possessed by Voldy!
Chapter 23: Christmas on the Closed Ward
Harry is angsty
until Ginny sets him straight.
Hermy ditches 'rents.
Back at hospital,
Harry and co meet Neville's
gran and addled mom.
Chapter 24: Occlumency
Snape and Harry start
anti-mind-reading lessons
(Dumbledore's orders).
Chapter 25: The Beetle at Bay
Death Eaters escape
from Azkaban. Harry and
Cho go on bad date.
Hermione has
Rita Skeeter write Harry's
story for Quibbler.
Chapter 26: Seen and Unforseen
Tabloid star Harry
sucks at Occlumency and
sees Voldy's bedroom.
Meanwhile, Umbridge sacks
Divination prof. Sibyl;
Dumbledore hires horse.
Chapter 27: The Centaur and the Sneak
Centaur Firenze—new
Divination professor—
says war is coming.
Cho's friend snitches so
D.A. disbands. Dumbledore
evades Fudge, arrest.
Chapter 28: Snape's Worst Memory
With Dumbledore gone,
the twins take their mayhem to
a whole new level.
Then, Harry sneaks peek
at Snape's worst memory: picked
on by Harry's dad!
Chapter 29: Career Advice
Despite Umbridge's
protests, Prof. McG vows to
help Harry find job.
Harry talks through fire.
Twins build portable swamp, fly
off into sunset.
Chapter 30: Grawp
Hagrid's bro-giant
is hidden in the forest.
Weasley is our King.
Chapter 31: O. W. L. S.
Fifth years take tests. Fang,
McG knocked out. Hagrid sacked.
Sirius tortured?
Chapter 32: Out of the Fire
Harry's annoying;
he won't listen to reason
about Sirius.
Rescue plan devised
but thwarted by Umbridge,
who Hermy then deceives.
Chapter 33: Fight and Flight
Umbridge abducted
by centaurs. Then Grawp rescues
Hermy and Harry.
Ginny, Neville, Ron,
and Luna duel Slytherins;
all mount bat-horses.
Chapter 34: The Department of Mysteries
Flight to Ministry:
Harry and friends search for Black,
find only weird rooms.
Chapter 35: Beyond the Veil
Harry finds glass orb;
Death Eaters arrive, chase kids,
try to steal the orb.
The Order joins in.
Dumbledore to the rescue!
Black killed by cousin :'(
Chapter 36: The Only One He Ever Feared
Dumbledore! Voldy!
Duel of the Century! With
help from some statues!
Defeated, Voldy
retreats. Fudge finally sees
Dumbledore was right.
Chapter 37: The Lost Prophecy
Harry learns truth 'bout
Voldy: neither can live while
the other survives.
Chapter 38: The Second War Begins
The Wizarding World
now knows Voldemort is back.
Dark times lie ahead.
Harry heads back home.
The Order inform the Dursleys
they better be nice.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor...
Showing posts with label Harry Potter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Harry Potter. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, part 1
by Brian McGackin
Wherein Harry apparently goes through puberty.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 1: Dudley Demented
Dudley's soul almost
face-sucked out. Mrs. Figg knows
Harry's a wizard?!?
Chapter 2: A Peck of Owls
Harry gets expelled;
his aunt explains dementors;
Dudley voms on porch.
Plus foreshadowing,
yelling, a bit of intrigue,
and so many owls.
Chapter 3: The Advance Guard
Hodgepodge wizard pack
lies to Harry's guardians
and fly him away.
Moody, Lupin, Tonks,
Shacklebolt; how does Rowling
come up with these names?
Chapter 4: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place
Who's a little prat?
Harry is. He's finally
with friends and flips out.
Chapter 5: The Order of the Phoenix
Sirius explains
the Order, updates Harry
on Voldemort news.
Chapter 6: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Summer spring cleaning:
Grimmauld Place dolled up; house-elf
Kreacher hates Hermy.
Younger brother Black
is dead Death Eater. Blacks and
Malfoys: related!
Chapter 7: The Ministry of Magic
Apparently it's
Take Your Youngest Son's Best Friend
Harry To Work Day.
Chapter 8: The Hearing
Cornelius Fudge:
pretty much the wizarding
world's own Judge Judy.
Dumbledore and Figg
to the rescue! Harry is
saved from expulsion.
Chapter 9: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley
Ron, Hermy: prefects!
Mommy Molly Weasley's fear:
her family dead.
Chapter 10: Luna Lovegood
Only Harry and
Loony Luna Lovegood can
see weird bat-horses.
Chapter 11: The Sorting Hat's New Song
Who is this Umbridge
joker, and why is Seamus
suddenly a tool?
Chapter 12: Professor Umbridge
Umbridge is a bitch.
She gives Harry detention
for telling the truth.
Chapter 13: Detention With Dolores
Harry gets "I must not
tell lies" tattooed on his hand
during detention.
Chapter 14: Percy and Padfoot
Sirius speaks through
fireplace. Percy sends Ron mail,
condemns Dumbledore.
Chapter 15: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Ministry passes
stricter school laws. Umbridge starts
reviewing the profs.
People seem perturbed
by Umbridge's promotion;
Hermy has a plan...
Chapter 16: In the Hog's Head
Hermy convinces
Harry to head up secret
dark arts defense club.
Less than legal club
formed in dingy side street pub?
Nothing could go wrong!
Chapter 17: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four
All Hogwarts clubs banned,
including those recently
started up in bars.
Sirius attempts
firespeaking with Harry, has
near miss with Umbridge.
Chapter 18: Dumbledore's Army
Start with the basics:
Harry teaches Dumbledore's
Army to disarm.
Chapter 19: The Lion and the Serpent
Harry and the twins
are banned from Quidditch for life
post-punching Malfoy.
Make sure you come back
next week when we finally
learn where Hagrid's been!
Wherein Harry apparently goes through puberty.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 1: Dudley Demented
Dudley's soul almost
face-sucked out. Mrs. Figg knows
Harry's a wizard?!?
Chapter 2: A Peck of Owls
Harry gets expelled;
his aunt explains dementors;
Dudley voms on porch.
Plus foreshadowing,
yelling, a bit of intrigue,
and so many owls.
Chapter 3: The Advance Guard
Hodgepodge wizard pack
lies to Harry's guardians
and fly him away.
Moody, Lupin, Tonks,
Shacklebolt; how does Rowling
come up with these names?
Chapter 4: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place
Who's a little prat?
Harry is. He's finally
with friends and flips out.
Chapter 5: The Order of the Phoenix
Sirius explains
the Order, updates Harry
on Voldemort news.
Chapter 6: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Summer spring cleaning:
Grimmauld Place dolled up; house-elf
Kreacher hates Hermy.
Younger brother Black
is dead Death Eater. Blacks and
Malfoys: related!
Chapter 7: The Ministry of Magic
Apparently it's
Take Your Youngest Son's Best Friend
Harry To Work Day.
Chapter 8: The Hearing
Cornelius Fudge:
pretty much the wizarding
world's own Judge Judy.
Dumbledore and Figg
to the rescue! Harry is
saved from expulsion.
Chapter 9: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley
Ron, Hermy: prefects!
Mommy Molly Weasley's fear:
her family dead.
Chapter 10: Luna Lovegood
Only Harry and
Loony Luna Lovegood can
see weird bat-horses.
Chapter 11: The Sorting Hat's New Song
Who is this Umbridge
joker, and why is Seamus
suddenly a tool?
Chapter 12: Professor Umbridge
Umbridge is a bitch.
She gives Harry detention
for telling the truth.
Chapter 13: Detention With Dolores
Harry gets "I must not
tell lies" tattooed on his hand
during detention.
Chapter 14: Percy and Padfoot
Sirius speaks through
fireplace. Percy sends Ron mail,
condemns Dumbledore.
Chapter 15: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Ministry passes
stricter school laws. Umbridge starts
reviewing the profs.
People seem perturbed
by Umbridge's promotion;
Hermy has a plan...
Chapter 16: In the Hog's Head
Hermy convinces
Harry to head up secret
dark arts defense club.
Less than legal club
formed in dingy side street pub?
Nothing could go wrong!
Chapter 17: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four
All Hogwarts clubs banned,
including those recently
started up in bars.
Sirius attempts
firespeaking with Harry, has
near miss with Umbridge.
Chapter 18: Dumbledore's Army
Start with the basics:
Harry teaches Dumbledore's
Army to disarm.
Chapter 19: The Lion and the Serpent
Harry and the twins
are banned from Quidditch for life
post-punching Malfoy.
Make sure you come back
next week when we finally
learn where Hagrid's been!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, part 2
by Brian McGackin
Part 2 of 2! My favorite book! Important stuff happens!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Chapter 20: The First Task
Harry Accio's
broom, avoids dragon, steals egg,
ties for first with Krum.
Chapter 21: The House-Elf Liberation Front
Ron stops being douche,
refriends Harry. Hermy finds
Dobby in kitchen.
Chapter 22: The Unexpected Task
Ron and Harry need
dates for the Yule Ball—Patil
twins will have to do.
Chapter 23: The Yule Ball
Pre-dance: snowball
fights, special socks, Fleur's a bitch.
Dance: Hermy's with Krum,
Fleur looks hot. Post-dance:
Snape is shady, Hagrid's half
giant, Fleur's a slut.
Chapter 24: Rita Skeeter's Scoop
Skeeter's exposé
on Hagrid's past leads to brief
vaca from teaching.
Chapter 25: The Egg and the Eye
Bath time research leads
Harry to believe the next
task involves merfolk.
Then he gets tripped up
in trick step and loses school
map to Prof. Moody.
Chapter 26: The Second Task
Harry grows gills, saves
Ron (and Fleur's sister) from lake,
shows moral fiber.
Chapter 27: Padfoot Returns
Big dog godfather
sneaks into Hogsmeade to dish
old magic gossip.
Chapter 28: The Madness of Mr. Crouch
Harry and Krum talk
Hermy, find crazy Crouch, and
go warn Dumbledore.
Chapter 29: The Dream
Harry passes out
in class and dreams a little
dream of Voldemort.
Chapter 30: The Pensieve
Dumbledore can't
leave Harry alone for five
minutes; the boy snoops.
Harry sticks his face
in a bowl of gooey white
stuff and sees visions.
Chapter 31: The Third Task
Quidditch pitch maze holds
monsters and magic to pass
through for the third task.
Harry battles Sphinx;
Cedric battles Krum; both fight
spider, tie for cup.
Chapter 32: Flesh, Blood and Bone
Oh snap yo! The cup
was a portkey?!? Cedric killed;
Voldy gets new digs.
Chapter 33: The Death Eaters
Daddy Malfoy and
other Death Eaters return.
Voldy monologues.
Chapter 34: Priori Incantatem
Harry, Voldy duel;
Voldy's victims' shadow-ghosts
help Harry escape.
Hmm, I wonder why
Voldy can't kill Harry. Will
this come up later...?
Chapter 35: Veritaserum
Oh $#!* Moody's not
Moody! He's Crouch junior, a
servant of Voldy!
Junior confesses:
killed Crouch senior, helped Harry
win cup/Voldy rise.
Chapter 36: The Parting of the Ways
Harry explains all
to Dumbledore. Minister
Fudge is a dumbass.
Chapter 37: The Beginning
Dumbledore tells school
Voldy's back.Twins given cup
gold to start joke shop.
Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle
are hexed unconscious on train
for being douchebags.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor...
OOTP! Part 1! Next week!
Part 2 of 2! My favorite book! Important stuff happens!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Chapter 20: The First Task
Harry Accio's
broom, avoids dragon, steals egg,
ties for first with Krum.
Chapter 21: The House-Elf Liberation Front
Ron stops being douche,
refriends Harry. Hermy finds
Dobby in kitchen.
Chapter 22: The Unexpected Task
Ron and Harry need
dates for the Yule Ball—Patil
twins will have to do.
Chapter 23: The Yule Ball
Pre-dance: snowball
fights, special socks, Fleur's a bitch.
Dance: Hermy's with Krum,
Fleur looks hot. Post-dance:
Snape is shady, Hagrid's half
giant, Fleur's a slut.
Chapter 24: Rita Skeeter's Scoop
Skeeter's exposé
on Hagrid's past leads to brief
vaca from teaching.
Chapter 25: The Egg and the Eye
Bath time research leads
Harry to believe the next
task involves merfolk.
Then he gets tripped up
in trick step and loses school
map to Prof. Moody.
Chapter 26: The Second Task
Harry grows gills, saves
Ron (and Fleur's sister) from lake,
shows moral fiber.
Chapter 27: Padfoot Returns
Big dog godfather
sneaks into Hogsmeade to dish
old magic gossip.
Chapter 28: The Madness of Mr. Crouch
Harry and Krum talk
Hermy, find crazy Crouch, and
go warn Dumbledore.
Chapter 29: The Dream
Harry passes out
in class and dreams a little
dream of Voldemort.
Chapter 30: The Pensieve
Dumbledore can't
leave Harry alone for five
minutes; the boy snoops.
Harry sticks his face
in a bowl of gooey white
stuff and sees visions.
Chapter 31: The Third Task
Quidditch pitch maze holds
monsters and magic to pass
through for the third task.
Harry battles Sphinx;
Cedric battles Krum; both fight
spider, tie for cup.
Chapter 32: Flesh, Blood and Bone
Oh snap yo! The cup
was a portkey?!? Cedric killed;
Voldy gets new digs.
Chapter 33: The Death Eaters
Daddy Malfoy and
other Death Eaters return.
Voldy monologues.
Chapter 34: Priori Incantatem
Harry, Voldy duel;
Voldy's victims' shadow-ghosts
help Harry escape.
Hmm, I wonder why
Voldy can't kill Harry. Will
this come up later...?
Chapter 35: Veritaserum
Oh $#!* Moody's not
Moody! He's Crouch junior, a
servant of Voldy!
Junior confesses:
killed Crouch senior, helped Harry
win cup/Voldy rise.
Chapter 36: The Parting of the Ways
Harry explains all
to Dumbledore. Minister
Fudge is a dumbass.
Chapter 37: The Beginning
Dumbledore tells school
Voldy's back.Twins given cup
gold to start joke shop.
Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle
are hexed unconscious on train
for being douchebags.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor...
OOTP! Part 1! Next week!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, part 1
by Brian McGackin
Part 1 of 2 covering my personal favorite book in the series! Super important stuff happens! The last three books are set up! How can you not love it?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Chapter 1: The Riddle House
Voldemort is back,
killing witches and old folks,
Wormtail at his side.
Chapter 2: The Scar
Harry writes letter
to Sirius post-Voldy
dream; past books recalled.
Chapter 3: The Invitation
Grapefruit for breakfast,
World Cup invitation, and
birthday cake for brunch.
Chapter 4: Back to the Burrow
Dursley's living room
destroyed; Dudley poisoned by
the twins' cursed candy.
Chapter 5: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes
Ginger twins aspire
to open joke shop. Harry
meets older Weasleys.
Chapter 6: The Portkey
Harry travels to
Quidditch World Cup by old boot,
meets Edward Cullen.
Chapter 7: Bagman and Crouch
Twins bet with bookie
Bagman, are bored by Crouch, both
Ministry high-ups.
Chapter 8: The Quidditch World Cup
Hot Bulgarian
chicks fight off leprechauns, turn
into angry birds.
Krum snags the snitch for
Bulgaria, but Ireland
wins, as twins predict.
Chapter 9: The Dark Mark
Death Eaters—Voldy's
former friends—mess with Muggles
post-match. Party: pooped.
House-elf Winky sacked
when found with Harry's wand 'neath
Voldy's calling card.
Chapter 10: Mayhem at the Ministry
Reporter Rita
Skeeter tears Ministry of
Magic a new one.
Chapter 11: Aboard the Hogwarts Express
Mostly setup: talk
of Hogwarts, other magic
schools, Mad-Eye moody.
Kind of a pointless
chapter, now that I’m really
thinking about it.
Chapter 12: The Triwizard Tournament
No Quidditch this year.
Instead, deadly tournament
against other schools.
Chapter 13: Mad-Eye Moody
Draco Malfoy: the
Amazing Bouncing Ferret!
That's Moody "teaching."
(Books' best line: "Can I
have a look at Uranus,
too, Lavender?"—Ron)
Chapter 14: The Unforgivable Curses
Moody teaches some
illegal spells, and maybe
hits too close to home.
First appearance of
Avada Kedavra. Plus,
Harry gets more mail!
Chapter 15: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang
Huge horses fly huge
woman's students; sailboat sub
carries Krum and co.
The two other schools
competing in Triwizard
Tournament arrive.
Chapter 16: The Goblet of Fire
Cedric, Viktor, Fleur...
Harry? Four champions of
TRIwizard tourney.
Chapter 17: The Four Champions
Gryffindors are stoked,
but everyone else is
pissed Harry got picked.
Moody thinks someone
wants Harry dead and that's why
he's a champion.
Chapter 18: The Weighing of the Wands
Skeeter wants Haryy
as scoop; champions’ wands weighed;
Hermy's teeth enlarged.
Chapter 19: The Hungarian Horntail
Dragon! A dragon!
I swear I saw a dragon!
...Wait...that's Pete's Dragon...
Hagrid lets slip first
task: dragons! Harry talks to
Black via fireplace.
Make sure to check back next week when Harry competes for the Triwizard Cup in part 2!
Part 1 of 2 covering my personal favorite book in the series! Super important stuff happens! The last three books are set up! How can you not love it?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Chapter 1: The Riddle House
Voldemort is back,
killing witches and old folks,
Wormtail at his side.
Chapter 2: The Scar
Harry writes letter
to Sirius post-Voldy
dream; past books recalled.
Chapter 3: The Invitation
Grapefruit for breakfast,
World Cup invitation, and
birthday cake for brunch.
Chapter 4: Back to the Burrow
Dursley's living room
destroyed; Dudley poisoned by
the twins' cursed candy.
Chapter 5: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes
Ginger twins aspire
to open joke shop. Harry
meets older Weasleys.
Chapter 6: The Portkey
Harry travels to
Quidditch World Cup by old boot,
meets Edward Cullen.
Chapter 7: Bagman and Crouch
Twins bet with bookie
Bagman, are bored by Crouch, both
Ministry high-ups.
Chapter 8: The Quidditch World Cup
Hot Bulgarian
chicks fight off leprechauns, turn
into angry birds.
Krum snags the snitch for
Bulgaria, but Ireland
wins, as twins predict.
Chapter 9: The Dark Mark
Death Eaters—Voldy's
former friends—mess with Muggles
post-match. Party: pooped.
House-elf Winky sacked
when found with Harry's wand 'neath
Voldy's calling card.
Chapter 10: Mayhem at the Ministry
Reporter Rita
Skeeter tears Ministry of
Magic a new one.
Chapter 11: Aboard the Hogwarts Express
Mostly setup: talk
of Hogwarts, other magic
schools, Mad-Eye moody.
Kind of a pointless
chapter, now that I’m really
thinking about it.
Chapter 12: The Triwizard Tournament
No Quidditch this year.
Instead, deadly tournament
against other schools.
Chapter 13: Mad-Eye Moody
Draco Malfoy: the
Amazing Bouncing Ferret!
That's Moody "teaching."
(Books' best line: "Can I
have a look at Uranus,
too, Lavender?"—Ron)
Chapter 14: The Unforgivable Curses
Moody teaches some
illegal spells, and maybe
hits too close to home.
First appearance of
Avada Kedavra. Plus,
Harry gets more mail!
Chapter 15: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang
Huge horses fly huge
woman's students; sailboat sub
carries Krum and co.
The two other schools
competing in Triwizard
Tournament arrive.
Chapter 16: The Goblet of Fire
Cedric, Viktor, Fleur...
Harry? Four champions of
TRIwizard tourney.
Chapter 17: The Four Champions
Gryffindors are stoked,
but everyone else is
pissed Harry got picked.
Moody thinks someone
wants Harry dead and that's why
he's a champion.
Chapter 18: The Weighing of the Wands
Skeeter wants Haryy
as scoop; champions’ wands weighed;
Hermy's teeth enlarged.
Chapter 19: The Hungarian Horntail
Dragon! A dragon!
I swear I saw a dragon!
...Wait...that's Pete's Dragon...
Hagrid lets slip first
task: dragons! Harry talks to
Black via fireplace.
Make sure to check back next week when Harry competes for the Triwizard Cup in part 2!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
by Brian McGackin
Book the Third, and many people's favorite HP. Since the series plot is thickening, some chapters are going to start getting two haikus. Upgrade!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Chapter 1: Owl Post
A little boring:
Rowling recaps Harry's life,
he gets birthday gifts.
Ron's dad wins lotto;
owl cripple brings some letters;
Harry does homework.
Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake
Harry blows up his
cousin's fat aunt all Violet
Beauregard-style. Harsh!
Chapter 3: The Knight Bus
A Miss Frizzle-less
magic bus takes Harry to
The Leaky Cauldron.
Chapter 4: The Leaky Cauldron
Harry lives in a
pub now? Oh, and a psycho
killer wants him dead.
Chapter 5: The Dementor
Harry's happiness
is snacked on by some creepy
reject Scream villain.
Chapter 6: Talons and Tea Leaves
Malfoy almost killed
by magic horsebird thingy
in Hagrid's first class.
Chapter 7: The Boggart in the Wardrobe
There's nothing to fear
but that thing in the staff room
wardrobe—a boggart.
New prof. Lupin is
kinda cool and lets Neville
be the star for once.
Chapter 8: Flight of the Fat Lady
Mass murderer moves
to defacing sentient
works of art. The nerve!
Chapter 9: Grim Defeat
Dog and Dementors
interrupt sporting event;
Harry breaks his broom.
Chapter 10: The Marauder's Map
Twin gingers donate
absurdly powerful map
of school to Harry.
OH$#!&THEPSYCHO
KILLERMASSMURDERERIS
HARRY'SGODFATHER!?!?!?!
Chapter 11: The Firebolt
Hermy tattles, so
Harry's new broom—probs jinxed by
killer Black—taken.
Chapter 12: The Patronus
Professor Lupin
teaches Harry how to shoot
white stuff from his wand...
Ron's rat gets eaten;
Harry gets his broom back, eats
lots of chocolate.
Chapter 13: Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw
Gryffindor wins! And
Sirius Black tries to slice
up Ron with a knife!
Chapter 14: Snape's Grudge
Harry just avoids
expulsion but magical
map confiscated.
Prof. Snape professes
multigenerational
hatred of Potters.
Chapter 15: The Quidditch Final
Hermy quits Psychic
Class, but who cares? GRYFFINDOR
WINS THE QUIDDITCH CUP!!!!!
Chapter 16: Professor Trelawney's Prediction
Even a stopped clock
is right twice a day, and Prof.
Trelawney's broken.
Psychic Prof. predicts
Voldy's return; third-years take
exams; and horsebird...
Chapter 17: Cat, Rat and Dog
Harry and co chase
black dog Black to Shrieking Shack
for well-earned answers.
Eeeewwww! Ron's rat has been
a middle-aged wizard this
entire time? Creeper!
Chapter 18: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Lupin's a werewolf.
Harry's dad and co magic'd
into animals.
Much exposition,
backstory, followed by a
Prof. Snape intrusion.
Chapter 19: The Servant of Lord Voldemort
So Sirius Black
is innocent! Pettigrew—
Ron's rat—was the spy.
More exposition.
Harry finally believes
godfather Black.
Chapter 20: The Dementor's Kiss
Lupin goes werewolf.
Dementors try to make out
with Harry and Black.
Chapter 21: Hermione's Secret
Seriously, Rowling?
Magic I can believe, but
time travel? Get real.
Hermy's necklace is
a time machine. She, Harry
save Black and horsebird.
Chapter 22: Owl Post Again
Lupin resigns; Ron
gets new pet; Hermy gives up
time travel; Summer!
Harry gains pen pal
in convicted murderer
outlaw godfather.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor…
Make sure to check back next week when we bring you part 1 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, my personal favorite! Until then, keep reading, Genoshans!
Book the Third, and many people's favorite HP. Since the series plot is thickening, some chapters are going to start getting two haikus. Upgrade!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Chapter 1: Owl Post
A little boring:
Rowling recaps Harry's life,
he gets birthday gifts.
Ron's dad wins lotto;
owl cripple brings some letters;
Harry does homework.
Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake
Harry blows up his
cousin's fat aunt all Violet
Beauregard-style. Harsh!
Chapter 3: The Knight Bus
A Miss Frizzle-less
magic bus takes Harry to
The Leaky Cauldron.
Chapter 4: The Leaky Cauldron
Harry lives in a
pub now? Oh, and a psycho
killer wants him dead.
Chapter 5: The Dementor
Harry's happiness
is snacked on by some creepy
reject Scream villain.
Chapter 6: Talons and Tea Leaves
Malfoy almost killed
by magic horsebird thingy
in Hagrid's first class.
Chapter 7: The Boggart in the Wardrobe
There's nothing to fear
but that thing in the staff room
wardrobe—a boggart.
New prof. Lupin is
kinda cool and lets Neville
be the star for once.
Chapter 8: Flight of the Fat Lady
Mass murderer moves
to defacing sentient
works of art. The nerve!
Chapter 9: Grim Defeat
Dog and Dementors
interrupt sporting event;
Harry breaks his broom.
Chapter 10: The Marauder's Map
Twin gingers donate
absurdly powerful map
of school to Harry.
OH$#!&THEPSYCHO
KILLERMASSMURDERERIS
HARRY'SGODFATHER!?!?!?!
Chapter 11: The Firebolt
Hermy tattles, so
Harry's new broom—probs jinxed by
killer Black—taken.
Chapter 12: The Patronus
Professor Lupin
teaches Harry how to shoot
white stuff from his wand...
Ron's rat gets eaten;
Harry gets his broom back, eats
lots of chocolate.
Chapter 13: Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw
Gryffindor wins! And
Sirius Black tries to slice
up Ron with a knife!
Chapter 14: Snape's Grudge
Harry just avoids
expulsion but magical
map confiscated.
Prof. Snape professes
multigenerational
hatred of Potters.
Chapter 15: The Quidditch Final
Hermy quits Psychic
Class, but who cares? GRYFFINDOR
WINS THE QUIDDITCH CUP!!!!!
Chapter 16: Professor Trelawney's Prediction
Even a stopped clock
is right twice a day, and Prof.
Trelawney's broken.
Psychic Prof. predicts
Voldy's return; third-years take
exams; and horsebird...
Chapter 17: Cat, Rat and Dog
Harry and co chase
black dog Black to Shrieking Shack
for well-earned answers.
Eeeewwww! Ron's rat has been
a middle-aged wizard this
entire time? Creeper!
Chapter 18: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Lupin's a werewolf.
Harry's dad and co magic'd
into animals.
Much exposition,
backstory, followed by a
Prof. Snape intrusion.
Chapter 19: The Servant of Lord Voldemort
So Sirius Black
is innocent! Pettigrew—
Ron's rat—was the spy.
More exposition.
Harry finally believes
godfather Black.
Chapter 20: The Dementor's Kiss
Lupin goes werewolf.
Dementors try to make out
with Harry and Black.
Chapter 21: Hermione's Secret
Seriously, Rowling?
Magic I can believe, but
time travel? Get real.
Hermy's necklace is
a time machine. She, Harry
save Black and horsebird.
Chapter 22: Owl Post Again
Lupin resigns; Ron
gets new pet; Hermy gives up
time travel; Summer!
Harry gains pen pal
in convicted murderer
outlaw godfather.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor…
Make sure to check back next week when we bring you part 1 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, my personal favorite! Until then, keep reading, Genoshans!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
by Brian McGackin
Book two!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Chapter 1: The Worst Birthday
Remember Harry
Potter? Apparently his
friends don't. Bummer, kid.
Chapter 2: Dobby's Warning
Elf Dobby warns, "Don't
go back to Hogwarts," breaks stuff.
Harry: house arrest.
Chapter 3: The Burrow
Twin gingers and Ron
kidnap starving Harry, bring
him to magic house.
Chapter 4: At Flourish and Blotts
Back to school shopping
gone wrong: fist fights, expensive
books, fireplace travel.
Chapter 5: The Whomping Willow
Ron breaks his wand; that's
what you get when you fly a
car into a tree...
Chapter 6: Gilderoy Lockhart
Mrs. Weasley sends
Ron angry voicemail. New prof.
Lockhart is a tool.
Chapter 7: Mudbloods and Murmurs
Ron voms slugs, Harry
hears voices, Slytherins get
new brooms from Malfoy.
Chapter 8: The Deathday Party
Nearly Headless Nick
throws killer party. Cat found
hanging out half dead.
Chapter 9: The Writing on the Wall
Hermione stops
ghost prof.'s lecture, asks about
Chamber of Secrets.
Chapter 10: The Rogue Bludger
Freak sports accident
takes Harry's right arm. First-year
Colin petrified.
Chapter 11: The Dueling Club
Lockhart makes kids fight;
Hufflepuff fauxttacked by snake,
then attacked for real.
Chapter 12: The Polyjuice Potion
What's Christmas without
forced puberty, drugged tweens, and
identity theft?
Chapter 13: The Very Secret Diary
Who is Tom Riddle?
Why was his diary thrown
down a girls' toilet?
Chapter 14: Cornelius Fudge
Hagrid arrested!
Dumbledore kicked out of school!
And Hermione...!
Chapter 15: Aragog
Harry, Ron almost
killed by spiders in Forest;
flying car saves them.
Chapter 16: The Chamber of Secrets
Broken bathroom leads
to Chamber of Secrets where
Ginny Weasley lies.
Chapter 17: The Heir of Slytherin
Memory Voldy
thwarted by Harry; magic
bird real hero, though.
Chapter 18: Dobby's Reward
All's well that ends with
a house elf being handed
a wet freedom sock.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts Professor...
Book two!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Chapter 1: The Worst Birthday
Remember Harry
Potter? Apparently his
friends don't. Bummer, kid.
Chapter 2: Dobby's Warning
Elf Dobby warns, "Don't
go back to Hogwarts," breaks stuff.
Harry: house arrest.
Chapter 3: The Burrow
Twin gingers and Ron
kidnap starving Harry, bring
him to magic house.
Chapter 4: At Flourish and Blotts
Back to school shopping
gone wrong: fist fights, expensive
books, fireplace travel.
Chapter 5: The Whomping Willow
Ron breaks his wand; that's
what you get when you fly a
car into a tree...
Chapter 6: Gilderoy Lockhart
Mrs. Weasley sends
Ron angry voicemail. New prof.
Lockhart is a tool.
Chapter 7: Mudbloods and Murmurs
Ron voms slugs, Harry
hears voices, Slytherins get
new brooms from Malfoy.
Chapter 8: The Deathday Party
Nearly Headless Nick
throws killer party. Cat found
hanging out half dead.
Chapter 9: The Writing on the Wall
Hermione stops
ghost prof.'s lecture, asks about
Chamber of Secrets.
Chapter 10: The Rogue Bludger
Freak sports accident
takes Harry's right arm. First-year
Colin petrified.
Chapter 11: The Dueling Club
Lockhart makes kids fight;
Hufflepuff fauxttacked by snake,
then attacked for real.
Chapter 12: The Polyjuice Potion
What's Christmas without
forced puberty, drugged tweens, and
identity theft?
Chapter 13: The Very Secret Diary
Who is Tom Riddle?
Why was his diary thrown
down a girls' toilet?
Chapter 14: Cornelius Fudge
Hagrid arrested!
Dumbledore kicked out of school!
And Hermione...!
Chapter 15: Aragog
Harry, Ron almost
killed by spiders in Forest;
flying car saves them.
Chapter 16: The Chamber of Secrets
Broken bathroom leads
to Chamber of Secrets where
Ginny Weasley lies.
Chapter 17: The Heir of Slytherin
Memory Voldy
thwarted by Harry; magic
bird real hero, though.
Chapter 18: Dobby's Reward
All's well that ends with
a house elf being handed
a wet freedom sock.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts Professor...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone/Sorcerer's Stone
by Brian McGackin
Welcome to the Daily Genoshan's Haiku Review for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, where each chapter gets its own 17-syllable recap! As I mentioned last week, for various reasons I actually used the UK edition, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, but they're basically the same thing.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived
Wizard offers cat
candy. Baby with scar dropped
on fat uncle's porch.
Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass
Ten years later: boy
can do weird stuff; tries to kill
cousin with big snake.
Chapter 3: The Letters from No One
Complaints about strange
letters go unanswered, so
family moves out.
Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Keys
Massive oaf, battered
orphan discuss scholastic
opportunities.
Chapter 5: Diagon Alley
Orphan Harry, oaf
Hagrid get ice cream, go on
wizard shopping spree.
Chapter 6: The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters
Harry can't find train.
Red-head Ron ogles, helps out.
Fat kid loses toad.
Chapter 7: The Sorting Hat
Harry: Gryffindor!
Ron: Gryffindor! Annoying
brunette: Gryffindor!
Chapter 8: The Potions Master
Prof. Snape hates Harry.
Annoying Hermione
knows everything.
Chapter 9: The Midnight Duel
Harry breaks rules: learns
to fly, joins a sports team, finds
three-headed guard dog.
Chapter 10: Halloween
Troll loose in Hogwarts.
Harry, Ron defeat it, save
Hermione. Friends!
Chapter 11: Quidditch
Harry plays Quidditch,
nearly dies, almost swallows
snitch. Secrets revealed.
Chapter 12: The Mirror of Erised
Hogwarts for Christmas!
Harry gets presents, can turn
invisible now.
Chapter 13: Nicolas Flamel
Three-headed Fluffy
guards Philosopher's Stone. Snape
wants stone for himself.
Chapter 14: Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback
Jerk Malfoy learns of
Hagrid's illegal dragon;
Ron's bro adopts it.
Chapter 15: The Forbidden Forest
Detention in the
Forest: dead unicorn, some
centaurs, Voldemort?
Chapter 16: Through the Trapdoor
Harry and co sneak
off to stop Voldy's theft of
Philosopher's Stone.
Chapter 17: The Man with Two Faces
Surprise! Prof. Quirrell
hosting Voldy parasite.
Harry saves the day.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts Professor...
Be sure to come back next week for the Haiku Review of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!
Welcome to the Daily Genoshan's Haiku Review for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, where each chapter gets its own 17-syllable recap! As I mentioned last week, for various reasons I actually used the UK edition, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, but they're basically the same thing.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived
Wizard offers cat
candy. Baby with scar dropped
on fat uncle's porch.
Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass
Ten years later: boy
can do weird stuff; tries to kill
cousin with big snake.
Chapter 3: The Letters from No One
Complaints about strange
letters go unanswered, so
family moves out.
Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Keys
Massive oaf, battered
orphan discuss scholastic
opportunities.
Chapter 5: Diagon Alley
Orphan Harry, oaf
Hagrid get ice cream, go on
wizard shopping spree.
Chapter 6: The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters
Harry can't find train.
Red-head Ron ogles, helps out.
Fat kid loses toad.
Chapter 7: The Sorting Hat
Harry: Gryffindor!
Ron: Gryffindor! Annoying
brunette: Gryffindor!
Chapter 8: The Potions Master
Prof. Snape hates Harry.
Annoying Hermione
knows everything.
Chapter 9: The Midnight Duel
Harry breaks rules: learns
to fly, joins a sports team, finds
three-headed guard dog.
Chapter 10: Halloween
Troll loose in Hogwarts.
Harry, Ron defeat it, save
Hermione. Friends!
Chapter 11: Quidditch
Harry plays Quidditch,
nearly dies, almost swallows
snitch. Secrets revealed.
Chapter 12: The Mirror of Erised
Hogwarts for Christmas!
Harry gets presents, can turn
invisible now.
Chapter 13: Nicolas Flamel
Three-headed Fluffy
guards Philosopher's Stone. Snape
wants stone for himself.
Chapter 14: Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback
Jerk Malfoy learns of
Hagrid's illegal dragon;
Ron's bro adopts it.
Chapter 15: The Forbidden Forest
Detention in the
Forest: dead unicorn, some
centaurs, Voldemort?
Chapter 16: Through the Trapdoor
Harry and co sneak
off to stop Voldy's theft of
Philosopher's Stone.
Chapter 17: The Man with Two Faces
Surprise! Prof. Quirrell
hosting Voldy parasite.
Harry saves the day.
I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts Professor...
Be sure to come back next week for the Haiku Review of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Announcing: Harry Potter Haiku Reviews!
by Brian McGackin
That's right. Harry. Potter. Haiku. Reviews.
Starting next week, on a joint venture with 5x500, the Daily Genoshan will be offering a NEW kind of review! Every Tuesday until the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, I'll be posting individual haiku reviews of each chapter, book by book, to give people the chance to catch back up without having to read through all three trillion pages of the series. Every single chapter, from "The Boy Who Lived" to "Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later," will have its own haiku review.
Wanna know when your favorite book will get covered? How about I just give you the whole schedule?
May 3—Philosopher's Stone*
May 10—Chamber of Secrets
May 17—Prisoner of Azkaban
May 24—Goblet of Fire, part 1**
May 31—Goblet of Fire, part 2
June 7—Order of the Phoenix, part 1
June 14—Order of the Phoenix, part 2
June 21—Half-Blood Prince, part 1
June 28—Half-Blood Prince, part 2
July 5—Deathly Hallows, part 1***
July 12—Deathly Hallows, part 2
*Even though I prefer the American editions—I'm partial to the typesetting and Mary GrandPré's art—I'll be using the UK editions for two reasons. The first is that they are smaller and easier to travel with, and the second is that my sister is borrowing some of my American editions.
**Starting with GOF, I'll be breaking the reviews into two parts to make it easier for both you to read and I to write.
***July 5, 2011, is a VERY important day for me, but more on that in a few weeks.
Be sure to check back in next Tuesday for the first set of Harry Potter Haiku Reviews!
That's right. Harry. Potter. Haiku. Reviews.
Starting next week, on a joint venture with 5x500, the Daily Genoshan will be offering a NEW kind of review! Every Tuesday until the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, I'll be posting individual haiku reviews of each chapter, book by book, to give people the chance to catch back up without having to read through all three trillion pages of the series. Every single chapter, from "The Boy Who Lived" to "Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later," will have its own haiku review.
Wanna know when your favorite book will get covered? How about I just give you the whole schedule?
May 3—Philosopher's Stone*May 10—Chamber of Secrets
May 17—Prisoner of Azkaban
May 24—Goblet of Fire, part 1**
May 31—Goblet of Fire, part 2
June 7—Order of the Phoenix, part 1
June 14—Order of the Phoenix, part 2
June 21—Half-Blood Prince, part 1
June 28—Half-Blood Prince, part 2
July 5—Deathly Hallows, part 1***
July 12—Deathly Hallows, part 2
*Even though I prefer the American editions—I'm partial to the typesetting and Mary GrandPré's art—I'll be using the UK editions for two reasons. The first is that they are smaller and easier to travel with, and the second is that my sister is borrowing some of my American editions.
**Starting with GOF, I'll be breaking the reviews into two parts to make it easier for both you to read and I to write.
***July 5, 2011, is a VERY important day for me, but more on that in a few weeks.
Be sure to check back in next Tuesday for the first set of Harry Potter Haiku Reviews!
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Tales of Beedle the Bard (J. K. Rowling)
Sorry for the delay, but I'm trying to get through another book and it's taking forever, so I read this fun little Harry Potter spin-off last night so that I could get a review out. And I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed the book and the way it's presented, renewing my interest in Rowling post-Deathly Hallows.
Actually, a few months before this book came out, a version of the individual stories it includes were put online for all to read/share, and since I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, I couldn't help but take a look. So for the most part I had already read the book. I believe that at the time an original, handwritten manuscript was being auctioned off for charity, and the interest was so high as to what was contained in the manuscript that The Tales were leaked online, and then officially released to the public.
Synopsis
The Tales of Beedle the Bard is a fairy tale collection "translated from the Ancient Runes by Hermione Granger" with a "commentary by Albus Dumbledore," so even though four of the five tales have no direct correlation to Harry Potter himself (the final story of the book is actually taken from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), through references to events in Harry Potter's life and allusions to other familiar wizarding books and terms, Rowling keeps everything nicely connected. The "commentary" is an addition from the online version that I read originally, so it was a pleasant surprise to see new content. If you've read Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander or Quidditch Through the Ages by Kennilworthy Whisp, two other books Rowling has written as companions to the larger series, you'll be familiar with the overall tone and style.
The stories themselves are straight up fairy tales, which is an innovative way to introduce new stories into this well-established world. They deal with classic fairy tale themes like poverty, pride, greed, royalty, justice, and the rewarding of wisdom and kindness. They may not all contain groundbreaking insights for hardcore fans of the series, but they certainly feel like stories that wizarding parents might tell to their young children before bed (and the commentaries for each story actually do expand upon some of the characters and events from the main books). On top of this genuine fairy tale quality, Rowling very deftly maneuvers her writing so as not to include words like "muggle" in the tales, saving that and other exclusively HP-related terms for the commentaries. So even though they contain magical situations and characters, Beedle's stories have their own voice, distinct from the modern wizarding voice of Dumbledore that most readers are probably familiar with by now.
Rating
The Tales of Beedle the Bard
by J. K. Rowling
Story—7.5
The stories are cute and fun, but also have clear-cut morals and memorable characters, so they stick with you for a while. It's a very enjoyable read.
Style—8
The added commentaries by Albus Dumbledore do a lot to make the book more interesting as a whole. Some of his notes refer to later notes, and others to memorable HP moments, which really brings up the quality.
General—8.3
I wouldn't necessarily recommend The Tales to anyone who isn't a fan of Harry and his world, because they probably won't get as much from it, but it's possible that some readers would still find the individual stories intriguing. If you enjoy the main series, though, I'd say it's safe to bet that you'll have a great time with this one.
Overall—7.9
I would say that the rating would drop a point, maybe even a point and a half, if you haven't read any of the Harry Potter books, but not much lower than that. The commentaries wouldn't be as interesting, but the actual tales are still great and can hold their own against any fairy tales.
Keep reading, Genoshans!
Actually, a few months before this book came out, a version of the individual stories it includes were put online for all to read/share, and since I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, I couldn't help but take a look. So for the most part I had already read the book. I believe that at the time an original, handwritten manuscript was being auctioned off for charity, and the interest was so high as to what was contained in the manuscript that The Tales were leaked online, and then officially released to the public.
Synopsis
The Tales of Beedle the Bard is a fairy tale collection "translated from the Ancient Runes by Hermione Granger" with a "commentary by Albus Dumbledore," so even though four of the five tales have no direct correlation to Harry Potter himself (the final story of the book is actually taken from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), through references to events in Harry Potter's life and allusions to other familiar wizarding books and terms, Rowling keeps everything nicely connected. The "commentary" is an addition from the online version that I read originally, so it was a pleasant surprise to see new content. If you've read Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander or Quidditch Through the Ages by Kennilworthy Whisp, two other books Rowling has written as companions to the larger series, you'll be familiar with the overall tone and style.
The stories themselves are straight up fairy tales, which is an innovative way to introduce new stories into this well-established world. They deal with classic fairy tale themes like poverty, pride, greed, royalty, justice, and the rewarding of wisdom and kindness. They may not all contain groundbreaking insights for hardcore fans of the series, but they certainly feel like stories that wizarding parents might tell to their young children before bed (and the commentaries for each story actually do expand upon some of the characters and events from the main books). On top of this genuine fairy tale quality, Rowling very deftly maneuvers her writing so as not to include words like "muggle" in the tales, saving that and other exclusively HP-related terms for the commentaries. So even though they contain magical situations and characters, Beedle's stories have their own voice, distinct from the modern wizarding voice of Dumbledore that most readers are probably familiar with by now.
Rating
The Tales of Beedle the Bard
by J. K. Rowling
Story—7.5
The stories are cute and fun, but also have clear-cut morals and memorable characters, so they stick with you for a while. It's a very enjoyable read.
Style—8
The added commentaries by Albus Dumbledore do a lot to make the book more interesting as a whole. Some of his notes refer to later notes, and others to memorable HP moments, which really brings up the quality.
General—8.3
I wouldn't necessarily recommend The Tales to anyone who isn't a fan of Harry and his world, because they probably won't get as much from it, but it's possible that some readers would still find the individual stories intriguing. If you enjoy the main series, though, I'd say it's safe to bet that you'll have a great time with this one.
Overall—7.9
I would say that the rating would drop a point, maybe even a point and a half, if you haven't read any of the Harry Potter books, but not much lower than that. The commentaries wouldn't be as interesting, but the actual tales are still great and can hold their own against any fairy tales.
Keep reading, Genoshans!
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