by Brian McGackin
Wherein Harry apparently goes through puberty.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 1: Dudley Demented
Dudley's soul almost
face-sucked out. Mrs. Figg knows
Harry's a wizard?!?
Chapter 2: A Peck of Owls
Harry gets expelled;
his aunt explains dementors;
Dudley voms on porch.
Plus foreshadowing,
yelling, a bit of intrigue,
and so many owls.
Chapter 3: The Advance Guard
Hodgepodge wizard pack
lies to Harry's guardians
and fly him away.
Moody, Lupin, Tonks,
Shacklebolt; how does Rowling
come up with these names?
Chapter 4: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place
Who's a little prat?
Harry is. He's finally
with friends and flips out.
Chapter 5: The Order of the Phoenix
Sirius explains
the Order, updates Harry
on Voldemort news.
Chapter 6: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Summer spring cleaning:
Grimmauld Place dolled up; house-elf
Kreacher hates Hermy.
Younger brother Black
is dead Death Eater. Blacks and
Malfoys: related!
Chapter 7: The Ministry of Magic
Apparently it's
Take Your Youngest Son's Best Friend
Harry To Work Day.
Chapter 8: The Hearing
Cornelius Fudge:
pretty much the wizarding
world's own Judge Judy.
Dumbledore and Figg
to the rescue! Harry is
saved from expulsion.
Chapter 9: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley
Ron, Hermy: prefects!
Mommy Molly Weasley's fear:
her family dead.
Chapter 10: Luna Lovegood
Only Harry and
Loony Luna Lovegood can
see weird bat-horses.
Chapter 11: The Sorting Hat's New Song
Who is this Umbridge
joker, and why is Seamus
suddenly a tool?
Chapter 12: Professor Umbridge
Umbridge is a bitch.
She gives Harry detention
for telling the truth.
Chapter 13: Detention With Dolores
Harry gets "I must not
tell lies" tattooed on his hand
during detention.
Chapter 14: Percy and Padfoot
Sirius speaks through
fireplace. Percy sends Ron mail,
condemns Dumbledore.
Chapter 15: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Ministry passes
stricter school laws. Umbridge starts
reviewing the profs.
People seem perturbed
by Umbridge's promotion;
Hermy has a plan...
Chapter 16: In the Hog's Head
Hermy convinces
Harry to head up secret
dark arts defense club.
Less than legal club
formed in dingy side street pub?
Nothing could go wrong!
Chapter 17: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four
All Hogwarts clubs banned,
including those recently
started up in bars.
Sirius attempts
firespeaking with Harry, has
near miss with Umbridge.
Chapter 18: Dumbledore's Army
Start with the basics:
Harry teaches Dumbledore's
Army to disarm.
Chapter 19: The Lion and the Serpent
Harry and the twins
are banned from Quidditch for life
post-punching Malfoy.
Make sure you come back
next week when we finally
learn where Hagrid's been!
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